I’m gonna talk about movies.
Hannah: IT’S A BLOG ABOUT BOOKS.
Hannah: NO EXCEPTIONS.
I’m gonna talk about books.
And their movie adaptations. Boom.
I’m getting sidetracked. It’s a common theme. You’ll get used to it. Honest.
So, I’m a big reader of books. Unlike Hannah I have read all of the books on my overcrowded shelf, but one thing that gotten a little on my nerves is movie adaptations of books. On paper all seems fine. You take the thrill of a book’s fast paced action sequences, or the thoughtful ponderings of a deep character, or whatever the hell 50 Shades is, and present them in a format that opens them up to the wider audiences. And for a while all was fine. The Harry Potter books really set the standard for a good adaptation, mixing JK’s enticing storylines with new talent and old favourites, and really creating the basis for the first official internet fandom. Then Peter Jackson started the Lord Of The Rings grinder churning (all could of been solved easily if the eagles weren’t so lazy #justsaying), and all was good. Book adaptations began to get a hold. And sink in, badly. As anyone whose read my blog will know (so just Hannah) I really believe there’s a problem with originality in content of any form nowadays. And it is nowhere more prominent than in book adaptations. Suddenly the whole industry went, ‘Hey, this is a thing, that works!’ and joined the book-vie craze.
Let’s use an analogy.
In the beginning there was Michael Chricton (Jurassic Park). And he had a bakery. Which sold bakewells. And they were great bakewells. So great that people only remembered the bakewells and not Chricton himself. (Until a week ago I didn’t realise that Park was adapted from a book).
Fast forward thirty years. JK Rowling (Harry Potter) opens a bakery. And starts selling good quality apple pies for a good price. Then Peter Jackson (LOTR) opens up down the road and begins selling really big Chelsea buns, which are hard to get into but once you do they’re great and last forever. And all is well and good, the two get along, as they’re not baking the same stuff. Anthony Horowitz (Alex Rider) comes along and sets up selling tarts but goes bankrupt because they don’t quite capture the magic of the recipe (James Bond). Rick Riordan (Percy Jackson) comes careering into town on his mobile bakery van selling some cookies but gets moving again pretty quickly because no one likes them compared to the original cookies (The Books).
Then Stephanie Meyer (Twilight) sets up shop. And sells apple pies with a soggy bottom (Terrible Books). But everyone abandons ship from JK to go to Stephanie because they’re cheaper. Apart from the ones who have a taste in pies who stick with JK, because they appreciate proper pie making (you can tell I just love Twilight) And both bakery customers get really angry at each other (The “Fandom Wars”). Meanwhile Percy Jackson has run out of pastry (the end of the LOTR saga) and his shop closes indefinitely. Suzanne Collins (The Hunger Games) begins selling Cherry Pies, which taste great with Apple Pies and so the customers of JK and Meyer also begins shopping there. Then all manner of shops begin setting up and selling various pastries of all descriptions. and so the market becomes oversaturated. Jackson returns with even more pastry (The Hobbit) but he’s stretched the pastry thin due to his lack of it so the buns don’t hold together so well (stretching one book into three films) also he’s putting some herb on top that no one likes (the romance between Kili and that random Elf chick). Rick Riordan swings back into town and tries again but still no one likes his food. Then E.L James (50 Shades) comes along and steals Meyer’s already bad recipe, but tries to make it her own by making the apple pies shaped like a man’s privates and nothing to do with apple at all (turning a Twilight fan fic into a book).
So it’s all going to hell. JK’s done but the customers want more so she’s desperately making a new recipe which might work (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them), E.L James’s business is throbbing (bad choice of word) with success, Meyer has ended her business by accidentally putting chilli in her last few pies (the terrible ending of the Twilight saga), Chricton’s bakery is back up and running (Jurassic World), but it’s run by someone else, who still does a pretty good job, and Marvel (comics count) is down the road as the figurative equivalent of Tesco, pumping out goods and booming, whilst DC is looking a bit like Lidl; all of its employees are depressed (DC refuses to do anything fun or even interesting in their movies).
So that’s a random rambling recap of the Book-Movie distribution and why I shouldn’t be allowed to guest blog.
As the more astute of you may have guessed, I’m the same Jake that has started to crop up on Hannah’s other blog like a stinging nettle that only mildly irritates you and gets in the way instead of actually stinging. Being her boyfriend I’m afraid to say you’ll be seeing more of that figurative weed popping up on her blogs… [Note from me, Hannah: I think he’s more like a puppy: keeps coming back even if you pry them away with food but secretly you love them being there anyway.]
So if you liked whatever that was come check out my blog where I rant about things, review things and generally attempt to annotate my life with a little classic British self-depreciating comedy.
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